There is a term that makes me cringe whenever I see or hear it.
"Fulltime Mommy"
:shudders:
I see and hear it often, and while I don't fault people for saying it, because I don't think they say it with malice, I don't believe it adequately defines what they mean. I think the term they're looking for is "stay at home mom". Because let's get one thing straight, in no way does working outside of the home downgrade me to "part-time mommy" status.
This post is not a working mom vs. stay at home mom post. Society has created enough of their own biases and pressures on motherhood. We don't need to add flame to that fire. If you work or stay at home, you do so because that is what you and your family needs; any other reason isn't anyone's damn business.
Many moms work because they want to. They love their jobs. They love the people they work with and what their work means to them, etc. Some moms work because they have to. Some moms work for a combination of the two (like me). Regardless of what camp a working mom falls in, the term "fulltime mommy" can be like a slap in the face.
Me? I work because I provide 75% of our family's income and 100% of our health insurance. No amount of side jobs and babysitting can replace comprehensive health coverage. Am I currently in my dream job? Nope. Do I complain about it?
You can read about my average day as a mom working outside of the house here. (go on. I'll wait). With all the things I have going on, I still love, teach, and nurture my child each and every day. Being away from the home during business hours, does not a bad mom make.
Is my child perfect? Pardon me while I snort. Is any child perfect?
Anyone?
Bueller?
As parents, we can be around our kids 24/7, or just a few waking hours a day. The end result is that we're going to fuck them up regardless of what we do. We all fail our kids on a daily basis no matter our working situation. And that is ok. Our job and our right as parents is to make mistakes so that our children see us as imperfect human beings. They need to witness our trials and tribulations so that they know what life has in store. No parent can or should present a perfect plastic lying life to their kids. That is a huge disservice to them, and frankly an insult to their intelligence. We owe it to our kids to show them that life is a series of journeys - some are memorable because they're wonderful. Some are important because they taught us a hard lesson. Regardless, they shape who are are and shouldn't be glossed over.
Show me a mother, and I'll show you a working mom. It doesn't matter if they're employed for money outside of the home, all moms are working. We're all trying to do right by our kids and our families, and hells bells we need to support each other instead of judge one another because of the choice that works for OUR families. And I'll be the first one to raise my hand and say I've been guilty of judging another parent's choices. I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Let's just love our kids and keep our opinions to ourselves (and or blogs), give each other support to make mistakes and choices, and everything else will just fall in the place.
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| Just because. Because I think this photo is adorable. That's why! |
AMEN!!! And thank you. I also provide the bulk of our income and all of our health insurance so not working is NOT an option for us as a family and while some days I think I would like to stay at home, truthfully I am not sure it is for me. I have worked since I was in high school.
ReplyDeleteThat blue carrying baby tote (I know, I know. It's not the right name) is very cute. Love the ducky photo. But you are right. Society is creating a stereotype where there was no need to create one. Most mothers work 24/7 for their babies, even when they don't stay at home. The quality of a mother is being measured by whether they can stay at home or not, and this is absolutely not the case. I know women (I can't even call them mothers) who stay at home and hire in-house nannies and are no more caregivers to the child than the nanny. Quite saddenning. But then they get to brag about that "full-time mommy" status as if it was some sort of badge of honor.
ReplyDeleteI must be sleep deprived because the term "baby tote" had my snorting in my breakfast. Thank you for that laugh! ;-D
DeleteThe "tote" is a ring sling and I'm 90% certain I bought it from this seller on Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/shop/RaspberryBaby?ref=seller_info. It's at least 3 years old.
I agree totally with your assessment. I am a stay-at-home dad and my wife works full time outside the home. She is no less a full time mom because she is employed outside the home than I am a full time dad because I am not. I work, I just work from home and it allows me to stay with my girls (18, with special needs, and 7). I also homeschool both of my girls which makes us extra special weirdos.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of statements that I make after I am confronted because I am who I am. We live in the south which makes it extra weird since we don't follow the "biblical" model of a family. So, that is a double whammy where we are.
Parents are parents and I think the only thing we really want to do is to not screw our kids up more than our parents screwed us up.
Daniel
Nashville, TN
If taking care and loving your child isn't biblical, I do believe those people are reading the wrong bible.
DeleteRock on with your bad self. You're an amazing inspiration!
Yes! I get so sick of the stay at home mom verse the working mom. I have done all three (work AT home running a home daycare- what I do currently, being a stay at home mom, and working full time.) One is not better or easier than the other. All have sacrifices and challenges.
ReplyDelete"All have sacrifices and challenges" - so so true!
DeleteThank you, thank you, thank you! I have been a working mom since my son (now 12) was 6 months old). I wanted to stay home but finances did not allow. I provided 100% of the health care coverage and in many cases the bulk of our income over the years. My son knows I love him, is a well adjusted straght A student with a great personality and dreams to attend Harvard (snort is right!). All you working moms keep doing what you are doing because it's what we have to do. I give kuddos to those who stay home or work from home because your job is tough, as is mine, but I have always refused to feel like an inferior parent because I work outside of the home.
ReplyDelete"but I have always refused to feel like an inferior parent because I work outside of the home" - what a great statement!
DeleteI'm kind of on both sides of this.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand, I hate the idea of putting a kid too young for school with a sitter or in daycare. If I worked a 'normal' job, I'd only see my son 2.5 hours a day with the commute and all. I couldn't possibly parent him in that time frame. It'd be the sitter or whoever doing all the 'mommy' stuff while she's with my kid the better part of 10 hours a day. I can't handle the idea of that, especially while the kids are infants, so I stay home. Not every mother can make that choice, or wants to, and I'm glad we were able to. Part of our family-making plans were to not make babies until we could exist on one income.
BUT...
We're working towards my husband being the stay at home parent at least half the time. Why? I hate being a stay at home mom all the time. I need out. I miss working. I miss interacting with adults and wearing something other than yoga pants and t shirts. Will I miss hanging out watching movies and eating cheerios when the kiddos? Absolutely. But I feel like I miss the working adult me even more right now.
That all being said, I HATEHATEHATE cutesy phrases for shit. Full time mommy. Blech. It just sounds so.. I don't even know.. validation seeking maybe? Like she wants recognition for being soooo selfless. We make babies, we take care of babies.
We're all full time mothers, father, snot wipers, bath givers, booboo fixers, dishwashers, laundry folders, etc. etc. Some of us just know how to find the right balance in our lives. You obviously have. :-) I have not, yet.
Oh! I should add: Because of child care costs in our area- me going back to work with not having completed by degree yet meant that after the cost of the one in-home provider I was considering, I'd be bringing home about $40/week.
DeleteOh yeah in your situation, $160 a month would make absolutely no sense!
DeleteGreat post!
ReplyDeleteLOVE it! So true!
ReplyDelete(As a side note, I think it's hilarious when people say that their husband is babysitting their kids. What?!?!?! No. When it's your own children, it is not babysitting. It is parenting. Period.)
That irks Troy to no end. He would be a stay at home dad if it were in the cards. I always say he is a better dad than I am a mom, so being asked if he is babysitting his own kid is a point of contention with him.
DeleteMan, in the beginning I loved that I worked outside the home. I was a single mom and just getting out of the house was nice. I love my son and he loves me but he would tell you he agrees. Staying home with mama was not the way he wanted to spend his days. Going to daycare where there were other people made him happy. Later in life I married and got to be a stay at home mom during a time when I could volunteer at his school and bake for class parties. He loved it but he would tell me it was okay for me to go back to work. I work now and his dad stays home. Our son (who's now 15) called a family meeting a month ago to talk about the fact that daddy needed to go to work outside of the home. I think he wants the house to himself. At 15, he's social, well adjusted. Has a kick-a$$ immune system and knows his parents love him completely. I know other kids wouldn't have liked to have been in day care or have their parents away all day. However, I have to say that at 15 my son still snuggles with me on the couch at the end of the day because we haven't had time together. I think it's all been worth it.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've had the opportunity to see both sides from up close. Glad you were able to make the decisions that worked so well for your family!
DeletePlease share the tip on getting your child to snuggle with you. Jack is very anti-snuggling unless super tired or sick. ;-D
Society sucks! Their views on normalcy are skewed. Their views on right from wrong are often misguided (at best). And then they preach about family values and breastfeeding *gasp* and life for mothers is never the same.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't considered a "full time mother" unless you stay home and are with them 24/7. I'm pretty sure that she's still my kid (and I'm still her mom) when I'm not with her. Just ask my southern hemisphere.
By this philosophy I'm only a part time woman because I have a 28 day cycle! Ridiculous!
If your family is happy and your kids are still happy to see you when you walk into the room (teenagers excluded), you're doing alright in my book. But then again, what the hell do I know? :)
Sounds like you "know" a whole lot!
DeleteIf we just keep our nose out of each other's business, and support the decisions we choose to make, I think this would be a much more supportive culture.
I'm so thankful for this post. I posted something similar a while back and I find it refreshing to hear other people feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteI am one of only a few working (outside the home) moms in my community. I am in the military (a minority already) and I live in a military community. Most of my co-workers are men and the few women I know, with exception of ONE, are not parents. The wives of my co-workers are stay at home moms. Some sew or crochet or paint or do photography for money, but they do it because they love it, not for the paycheck.
ReplyDeleteI am a full-time Mommy to 3 children. My oldest is 16...okay, sure, he's outgrown the Mommy stage, but when he needs money or the keys to the car, you better bet he asks me. My middle child is 17months and splits her needs equally between Mommy and Daddy. My baby just turned two months. She definitely needs Mommy all the time, but does fairly well with Daddy too.
When I'm at the office, I think about my kids. I bet they think about me too. THAT makes me a full-time Mommy. I will also run out this door and face the consequences later if one of my kids NEEDS me. That makes me a full-time Mommy.
I will, one day, get out of the military and become a civilian again. Until then, no matter where I am in the world, I am a full-time Mommy.
"Until then, no matter where I am in the world, I am a full-time Mommy". Rock on Tammy! I agree with all your comments and wish you the best of luck with that sounds like an insane juggling schedule!
DeleteI've never been a mother, nor wanted to be, but "somebody's got to do it"!
ReplyDeleteI don't envy any mother (or father) evaluating their circumstances and deciding on the least objectionable option.
I say to fully engaged parents: YOU ROCK!!!!
I think this is all situational. I was a latch-key kid growing up and while I love my mother, she definitely was a "part-time" mom. What I get from "Full-time mother", aside from a little jealousy, is probably completely different than what you get from that term.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how long you've been a reader (Blogger doesn't let me track those things), but I've mentioned on multiple occasions that I don't think I'm cut out to be a SAHM. So if you're detecting jealousy (which nothing I wrote was written from that mindset AT ALL), it wouldn't be on the actual terms.
DeleteIt would be on the fact that some people in this life have had the opportunity to make the choice as to what they want to do with their children and employment. Sure, I guess I have that choice: work and have health insurance and a place to live and food to eat, or stay at home and pray we never ever need a doctor.
Ah....I re-read what I wrote since I was a bit puzzled....no, the jealousy would be on my end of things, not yours.
DeleteHow much you work, the types of work you do, and where you do the work is ultimately your decision. I would say there isn't as direct of a correlation between a mother working and how good of a mother she is as the old verbiage (Part-Time Mother) would seem to indicate.
on the side, I work from home and make kick ass $$ doing so ( live in canada so no worries on the health care side, plus my husband has insurance to pay for dental and meds) and I could drop kick each person that says they wish they could be a stay at home mother, or some smart ass comment of the sorts... like i sit on the couch, with a bag of bon bon's while watching re runs of soap operas while my kid runs a muck in the yard ....
ReplyDeleteOh Canada...how I love your medical and maternity leave policies. Le sigh.
DeleteDon't forget you also sit around in your jammies while watching those soaps and eating those bon bons! ;-D
I think being an at home mom is one of the most challenging jobs out there, and my hat is off to anyone who does it, and does it well.
Exactly! "I could never stay at home, I've always worked"...bah...I feel like saying "oh not me, I was spoiled all my life, so I just stay home now and do nothing." Gawd! (I'm also in Canada! Healthcare FTW!)
DeleteOn this point, I have to disagree. I understand your point, but I use the term "fulltime mommy" to describe what I am about to be doing because I DO feel like I have only been able to be a part-time mommy to my kids in the years that I have been working full time outside of the home. Although I think about them all the time, I know that they have been getting the scraps of my time and energy, and I say that I will now be "fulltime" to celebrate the fact that I will be able to focus completely on my family instead of having a mind and life divided. It's not a fair way to describe ALL stay at home moms, but there are cases (like mine) where I feel the wording is more descriptive of the situation than just stay-at-home mom. The staying at home isn't the focus or reason that I'm making the sacrifices necessary to quit my job...it's the additional TIME that I'll be giving to my family. (Disclaimer: this is in NO WAY a criticism of either working or stay-at-home moms. Every situation is different, and all of us need to affirm each other in our decisions. We are all trying to do what is best for our families at this particular season of life.)
ReplyDeleteI think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this topic. I fully respect your opinion and understand where you're coming from with your situation.
DeleteFor me, being a mom whether I'm working or not means being there for my child. Because I work outside of the home, I'm not there for every single event, but I'm almost always there for the important ones. Since I can't be everything to everyone, I have be able to live with this and do the best that I can when I'm there.
I tried to come up with an analogy to explain where my heart is. I came up with this one after being awake for 20 hours, so forgive me in advance if it doesn't seem to make sense. For example, from the time Jack was 4-12 months, I spent 2.5 hours a day hooked up to my Medala Pump in Style breast pump. I pumped during work breaks, lunches, in closets, bathrooms, etc. to make sure that Jack always had my milk on hand. Just because I wasn't there to actually feed him that milk doesn't remove my "full-time" mommy status. In a way, I spent all of my spare time doing something to provide for him; an act in this situation that I felt very strongly about and worked so so hard to provide. So, if say a non-working mom gave her child a bottle of formula or pumped milk, is she therefore a "full-time" mommy because she was there to physically feed it to her child?
Again, I came up with that around midnight and I was so tired that I contemplated picking up a hitchhiker to keep me awake.
I totally agree with you about moms not cutting each other down. It's a hard job, and we all struggle, no matter which "side" of it we're on.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think the "full-time mommy" phrase comes from a misunderstanding of what a "stay-at-home mom" does. I am a SAHM, but...well, I'm not HOME a lot. And, a lot of people get all miffed when they call the HOME phone, and I'm not there, or they want to visit us at HOME, and I'm not there. I mean, where else would a stay at HOME mom be???
I think us SAHMs are just looking for another description for what we do. One that doesn't imply that we're at home all the time (we're NOT!) or that we're sitting on the couch eating bon-bons (we're NOT!) or even that we're homemakers (because chances are our houses are just as messy as all the working mothers we know--it's not about the house, it's about the kids). I really don't think malice is intended at all. I admire ALL the moms out there who are doing their best--working, and non-working--regardless of what labels we use.
I really think we should put our heads together and come up with a way better term!
DeleteHEAR HEAR! It always makes me mad when people say they are a full-time mommy. What am I then? A half-time mommy b/c I work AND go to school? I feel like I am a "full-time mommy" because I get them up and ready for school, take them to school, pick them up from the sitters, help with their homework, take them to their dads, plan fun activities on my weekends, plan fun things with the babysitter, buy their clothes, take them to the doctor, dentist, eye doctor, take care of them when they are sick, and make sure to keep all appointments for my daughters ENT doctor. I admire women who stay at home with their kids. That is a hard job. I did it while I was between jobs and was about to pull my hair out. I love my kids, but work is my "getaway". LOL!
ReplyDeleteMy hat is off to moms who stay home with their kids. I honestly don't know/think I'm cut out of it, but it is a hard freaking job. That doesn't make my role any less hard or important though.
DeleteI'm laughing about your work being your getaway. My weekly grocery shopping trip is my "alone time". As I'm leaving for the stores, Troy says "enjoy your quiet time by yourself as you do chores for us". HA!
I am a SAHM as well, and while I do not use the term fulltime mom to describe myself, I think of it as a way to communicate that being a SAHM is a full time job. An attempt to change the perception that we have the spare time to "watch soap operas and eat bon bons." If it weren't for nursing I swear there are days I wouldn't sit down! But I can see how it could be offensive. Parenting is tough work. Let's support each other, moms and dads alike!
ReplyDeleteI think we need to put our heads together and come up with a better term for both sides!
DeleteOne of my favorite quotes, I wish I knew who the author is: "If you want to be pro-woman, you have to be pro- ALL women, not just the ones whose lives have turned out like yours."
ReplyDeleteWhat a fantastic quote!
DeleteAren't we all full time mommies regardless of where we work? Are there part-time mommies? Sounds like a job description! Sometimes I wonder how people come up with these funny phrases that makes no sense. I work outside the home but I am still a full time mommy because no matter where I am or what I do, I am still a mother, 24/7, 365 days a year. Every year. Until the day I die. So, aren't we all technically full time mommies regardless? Great post by the way!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and I LOVE it! Your sarcastic wit it right up my alley :) On the full-time/part-time/sometimzers mommy post I agree with you. I work full time at a job. But my "real" job is being a mom. Not part time mom, not full-time mom. I am simply a mom. I work my butt off at my job and I work my butt off when I am with my kid being a mom. Parenting is a JOB..it's the best, most-rewarding, exhausting, rip-your-hair-out-at-least-122-times-a-week, wonderful "JOB" I'll ever know. I have people ask me all the time if I work or stay at home. I tell them I'm a mom and I work. So technically I have 2 full-time jobs :) Throw the hubs in there and the dog and I'm seriously rockin' 4 jobs :)
ReplyDeleteOur family is weird. We have three kids, 28 y o, married on his own, 22 y o at home due to medical issues, 18 y o at home. Our daughters medical issues effected her life in such a way, limiting what she can and can't do. We started our own spa and retail store last fall. Jobs for the kids and myself, hubs helps out on weekends. People are so worried about my kids and our different life. Guess what at times I am too. My dd depends on a $13,000 service dog. This isn't the life I thought we would have but hey it is working for us. I have gotten more than my share of opinions on mothering. I stayed at home for eons raising sicks with medical problems because that is what I had to do. I try not to judge other parents, you don't know the road they have walked on.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this blog!